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How Are You? (And Why We Rarely Mean It): Reclaiming Authentic Connections
- Sadi Rey
- Aug 23
- 5 min read
The most common question in the English language is not a question at all. It's a script.
We toss out “How are you?” without wanting the real answer, and we respond with “Good” because few are interested in the truth. That's a habit, not a connection.
We have all been asked the usual, often expected question, "How are you?" as a standard greeting. This should provoke anything but a generic response. Unfortunately, it has become a hollow, ineffective part of a conversation. What was meant to connect has become a barricade to a genuine exchange.
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After my morning routine, I opened up my phone and froze. There it was. The overused, otiose phrase that neatly checked off the "care" box, but simultaneously had the opposite effect.
The Empty Echo of "How Are You?"
I get annoyed when asked this question, though I'm not excluded from its mindless usage. Not when it's someone I'm passing on the street or standing behind in the checkout line. I store that in the "common pleasantry" box, and we don't expect more from each other. It probably shouldn't be that way. A shortened "hi" or "hello" would be a better representation of intention. But it has become the norm.
My frustration is with people I know or have a level of familiarity with. People you'd think have a deeper interest in my well-being. If something were askew, they wouldn't leave me the way they found me. You know...show interest, take time to listen. I'd expect more from them than the random human on the street. These are close acquaintances, neighbors, mom "friends", church-folk, colleagues, peers of a shared community or organization, family, and more.
The truth is, 9 out of 10 don't ask to go deeper. And, you know what comes next—a quick exit and no connection. I get it, people have their own hectic lives to navigate. They may be distracted, just don't care, feel more important, or hold prejudices. Though I've thought this before, I became more aware of it during challenging times. Sharing how I was really doing, not the predictable responses, left recipients uncomfortable, caught off guard, unable to provide a thoughtful response, and distant.
I'm not alone. Research has shown that when the phrase is used, people don't feel cared for. When foreigners learn English, they are cautioned about the term's shallowness.
Why does it have little effect?
Responses are thoughtless and predictable:
Most respond with "fine", "good", or "I'm doing okay" regardless of how they authentically feel. They understand the one asking doesn't have the time or interest to go deeper.
Responses are based on social norms:
People feel pressured to give a short, positive, one- or two-word response because that has become acceptable. It's a cultural script that often leaves the one who wants to share more feeling empty.
Responses are expected to be quick and move on:
The expectation is to concede that all is well and keep going. Sadly, others feel neglected when they need help because people "didn't know."
Deeper responses may be unwelcome:
People are used to asking out of habit, so when someone actually shares a genuine response, it may make the one hearing the information feel uncomfortable and resist a deeper connection.
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What's The Alternative?
It's not ditching humanity and moving to a private island. Although that may be refreshing now and then. The answer actually starts with us. The 9 out of 10 stat may be legitimate (I'll have to do a post on some things I've experienced within the homeschool community and churches, yikes!), but it may also be a reflection of us. We must be humble enough to accept responsibility on our end.
First
Be able to identify that there is a problem and the results are undesirable. Knowing that you want more out of your relationships will start the transformation process. You do not have to continue to operate on cultural scripts like everyone else. As a matter of fact, it's better if you don't.
Second
Understand that you aren't changing the people around you. You are changing yourself, which will impact the people around you! You will also draw those who are more intentional like you, closer to you. We attract who we are. Ouch! But this is good. Not everyone is willing to reconsider life choices and learn how to live them better. You are. Fantastic!
Third
Use effective resources to prepare yourself for the new connections you will build. I have a few suggestions below. You may also choose a coach or mentor. Whatever you decide, your engagements will be new and meaningful.
Fourth
You already know that knowledge doesn't change much; application and implementation of what you learn do. Without that, it will be fun facts at best. Don't wait until you know everything on the subject to practice. Absorb, process, take immediate action, and repeat with accountability to develop consistency—one chunk of info at a time.
Suggested Resources To Reclaim Authenticity
1-Where to find better responses
After receiving the text, I wanted to offer grace and not respond with a cultural script. Even if we never move past a familiar acquaintanceship, I wanted to be sincere. I searched for a better way to respond to "how are you?" and a well-expressed article that I resonated with, written by Kat Vellos appeared. (I disagree with the tarot card reference, and we may not share other viewpoints, but she was on point with this topic as a whole! Connections are her expertise.) Not only did the article offer amazing responses (like "I've been working on a special project and it's starting to take off, which makes me really excited for the future"), but there were also ample resources to explore further, such as her book, "We Should Get Together", powerful downloads, better questions to ask, and thoughtful podcasts.
2-Communicate from a genuine space
Before we can improve, we must look in the mirror. We have to examine our roots and make sure they are producing fruit. If not, some things may need to be cut down, and some seeds may need to be replanted. Maybe clear weeds to see what's always been there, just covered up. This involves heart healing and communicating from a genuine space. When I heard Jackie Dorman speak on Proverbs 22, I knew her book, "The Heart Work: Declutter Your Past To Make Room for An Amazing Future," was a must-have, based on the nuggets she dropped. The wisdom. The healing. The repair. Good stuff.
3-How to develop friendships
We need to understand what an authentic friendship is. The word friend is overused, so how do we categorize other levels of interaction? How do we go deeper to develop friendships? How do we build relationships that don't leave us lonely? Get 5-Levels of Friendship in Keith Ferrante's book, "Friendship: Where Transactions End and True Connection Begins." He is a dynamic, joyful soul!
There you go. Leave hollow greetings behind by breaking script, and reclaim genuine interactions. A healed heart, effective communication, and authentic friendships. I'll take it!
If you enjoyed this, leave a comment. Let me know if you embrace "how are you?" or feel there's a better way.
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Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness,
and all these things will be added to you.
Matthew 6:33
Walk In Confidence,
Sadi Rey
Simply Schoolhouse
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