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If You Don't Understand Them, You Won't Effectively Lead Them: 5 Ways To Connect To Improve Homeschooling Results
- Sadi Rey
- Apr 29
- 7 min read
Updated: Aug 26
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Let’s be honest—homeschooling isn’t just about math facts and grammar rules.
It’s about leadership—good leadership. And here's the thing: you can’t lead someone you don’t understand. That includes your own child. Yup, the one putting glitter glue on the dog, the yapper who gets distracted by their own shadow, the one who didn't finish their assignment, but expects to go out with friends.
To begin tackling these situations, we must first understand the characters. That means going deeper with the players involved (our little loves) and knowing what makes them...them. To understand them, we must first be self-aware and understand ourselves. If you are operating in a constant state of overwhelm, stress, and burnout, and feel like life is happening to you and not for you, pay closer attention to what you put out because your children will pick it up. It all points back to one thing. Homeschooling starts with us, the parents, and that cannot be overemphasized!
Personal development, self-awareness, and additional leadership skills are paramount for successful endeavors. It's no different in the context of homeschooling. For today's discussion, we will focus on a big one: the ability to connect, relate, and truly "get" our tribe of tots and teens—in other words, the ability to understand our students.
Have you ever had a professor or an instructor who jumped right into teaching without connecting with the room first? Were you trusting or more guarded? Did you feel you were part of a journey with them or something less unified?
If you want better performance and more engagement with your homeschoolers, you have to realize you are leading them. Leading starts with “getting” them. Like really getting them.
Here are 5 powerful (and often overlooked) ways to do just that, with practical steps you can take this week!
1. Encourage Open Dialog
Communication is how we express our ideas, thoughts, feelings, and information with each other. If we don't do it well, it may tear down relationships instead of building them up. As parents, we have to give them a solid example of how to relate to others. Communication can be verbal, non-verbal, or visual. It helps build trust, solve problems, resolve conflicts, collaborate, work as a team, innovate, plan, set goals, grow, and so much more. Your children need it to thrive, and you are the one who shows them how, even if you outsource.
Did you know, in face-to-face interactions, just 7% of meaning comes from actual words—the rest is in how we say them. Tone of voice accounts for 38%, and body language (facial expressions, gestures, posture) makes up 55% of the message. This is the 55/38/7 Formula.
This means your understanding of communication can transform how you connect. Pay attention to your tone and nonverbal cues, as well as your children's. Have they ever said, "I'm not going to tell you anything anymore!" because of a response you had? Little by little, have they been sharing less? Recognize this. Take one afternoon to track your tone and gestures and another to note theirs. Then adjust yours and see the difference in your messaging and how it is received.
Take Action This Week ☑️
Encourage your children to express their feelings and thoughts freely without judgment. Practice listening to understand their perspective instead of to formulate a response. Avoid interrupting. Commit to one “quality communication” moment per day. Analyze behavior patterns and non-verbal communication during different activities for a deeper understanding and awareness.
2. Better Questions Lead to Better Understanding
“Why didn’t you finish your work?” never goes well. Depending on your tone, your child may feel you are condemning them when you really wanted to hear what happened to get to the root of the problem. If they constantly hear that, they will mirror that style when communicating with others and with you.
Have you ever been super stressed, and the last thing you wanted was someone questioning you? How would you have felt if they wanted to hear you instead? Maybe your guard would be lowered. Even if it wasn't the right time for advice, knowing you were heard could turn a BOMB into calm. It's no different with your children. Practice questioning to hear them.
Take Action This Week ☑️
Ask better questions, like “What was the most interesting thing you learned today?", "What part was the trickiest?", "What made you feel appreciated?", "How did that assignment make you feel?" or “What’s one thing you’d change about your schedule to make it work better?” Children are surprisingly honest and insightful—and when they feel heard, they’re more likely to follow your lead. Keep a list of questions you ask in a notebook and track how effective they are. Tweak as you continue. These small notebooks are my favorite.
3. Speak Their Love Language
Tots, teens, and all of your littles in between crave connection. But they experience it differently. Your children may look like your mini-me, but I guarantee each little, or BIG, personality is as distinct as colors on a spectrum. Your tot may need you to sit and color along with them, and your teen may need to hear validation. Figuring out their love language and applying it could catapult your connection, prevent misunderstanding, and potential feelings of rejection. And if you haven't done so, take a little time to understand your love language too!
Take Action This Week ☑️
Find out your child’s love language—words, gifts, acts of service, time, or touch—and intentionally use it this week. A high-five, a handwritten note, or sitting beside them while they work can completely change the vibe of your homeschool day!
4. Tune Into Their Personality Type
Your introvert may not “hate what they are doing”—they just need solo time to recharge. Your extrovert? In desperate need of group activities. Understanding your child's personality helps you understand them. Knowing where they are on the continuum will be a great help as you guide their world, their activities, and, equally as important, engage them with the right amount of participation.
Take Action This Week ☑️
To gain clarity on how your tribe operates, use a kid-friendly personality tool (like 4 Temperaments or a simplified Myers-Briggs). It’ll help you speak their language, manage meltdowns, and ditch the one-size-fits-all teaching. You will get aha moments when you discover their personality type!
5. Track Triggers and Motivators
Ever wonder why that science book ends up under the sofa? Or why does your child move like a sloth to their poetry notebook?
Learning what lights them up and what shuts them down gives you a map. It shows you the shortcuts to success—and the potholes to avoid. For example, if your child lives for storytelling, don't have them “write a paragraph.” Ask them to “craft a mini-movie plot” instead. It might have them scribbling for hours!
Take Action This Week ☑️
Keep a journal. When do your children zone out or light up? What motivates them? What sets them off? Use this data to adjust your routine and avoid the power struggles. Prevent the drama before it starts—don't just react to it. Tracking gives you data, not just feelings. Don't assume"they're lazy" or"they're being difficult." Track and you might realize they hit a wall after 45 minutes of work, or they thrive with visual checklists. Once you have your data, make a list of alternative actions—your Do This Instead list that will get them going.
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Final Thoughts: Connection First, Curriculum Second
When homeschool parents say, “These kids won’t listen,” something deeper may be happening. Develop self-awareness and be very intentional about your communication style and skills. Not just for utilization, but for emulation. Understanding comes before influence.
And influence is what great leaders have.
So, before you reach for a new planner or phonics program, try reaching for your child’s heart first. Observe them like a scientist, love them like a poet, and lead them like someone who truly understands them. See who they are becoming. That means you have to look. Ouch! Really look. Observe them daily—learning styles, love languages, non-verbal communication, triggers, motivators, coping mechanisms, preferences, quirks, and personality types. As you watch, build their Personal Playbook and tweak it from there. More structure? Need flexibility? More choices? Accountability? You will be able to decide with ease because you know them. And they trust you!
As you are learning to lead, incorporate just one way to connect per week. DO NOT try all 5 ways at once. Small habits lead to big results. Stay steady. That's what brings change.
You’ve got this. And I’ve got your back.
📌 Comment below, leave your best results—and anything that didn't work! We are in this together, and sharing our journey empowers us all!
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Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness,
and all these things will be added to you.
Matthew 6:33
From our homeschool to yours,
Sadi Rey
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